How do you keep doing this? How do you keep showing up in my life, in my mind, in my heart every day like you belong here? Because you do, of course. I know that. Even though I don’t know you yet, I can feel you drawing closer. Maybe it’s almost time for us, but I wonder how much of this you’re feeling right now, too. I need you to tell me in some way because I have no way of knowing for sure – you’re not in my life yet. And I’m growing weary of feeling alone in this. It’s maddening, thinking of you, dreaming of you, holding space for you in my heart with no way of knowing how you’re feeling about all of this, or if you even think of me at all even if you don’t know who I am yet.

Do you feel anything? The pull of my heart on yours? An unseen tug on the red thread that connects us both? Do you think of my presence by your side as you look up at the moon in the night, wondering what it’d be like if I were there with you like do? Do you imagine the kind of deep, meaningful conversations we’d have under the late-night sky where every soul is asleep aside from the stars watching our story unfold beneath them, and the secrets we freely share with each other? Do you need to feel me wrap you in my arms in times of stress or exhaustion like I do you? Do you ever think about how our bond would grow into something so undeniable that it couldn’t help but be admired by anyone who’s path we cross?

Do you feel me like I feel you?

I had a dream of you last night. It wasn’t one of my regular dreams filled with things that made no sense. I could feel everything that happened in it had a purpose even if I couldn’t see how it connected until the end. I was in a new environment – a city I wasn’t quite comfortable navigating around yet. But that’s where my work had moved, so there I was. It was a beautiful place really, and even if it was unfamiliar to me, I felt comfortable there. It was so light and open, and so covered in nature that I couldn’t help but feel calmed by it.

I was making my through a sort of multi-layered boardwalk next to the ocean one day because of a class I needed to attend for work. I didn’t know where I was going, but I was figuring it out with a small group of coworkers. We knew we needed to take an elevator down somewhere but our first challenge was simply finding an elevator in this place. As we turned down multiple alleyways that produced nothing helpful, I drew my attention from the group for a second to look behind me – something grabbed my attention though there seemed to be nothing obvious when I looked. But I heard my friends in front of me talking about finding what we were looking for, so I turned back to face them and see for myself. When I faced them again, they were already rounding a corner and disappearing from my sight. I had fallen behind it seemed, so I picked up my pace to catch up.

But they were nowhere. I rounded the same corner I saw them move behind and they were completely gone. I was alone.

I tried to find the elevator they must have discovered in that area but came up with nothing. Whatever they found and followed wasn’t meant for me apparently. I wandered around for a while by myself not paying much attention to anything around me. I was on a mission, and every second that passed where I couldn’t find what I was looking for was gradually increasing my stress and urgency.

Eventually, I did come across another small elevator that didn’t even look like it was built to be one in the first place. I found it tucked away in a darker corner and was briefly concerned that I wasn’t supposed to be in that pressed the one that I thought would bring me down like I knew I needed to go. But it didn’t bring me far enough down. I stayed inside of it and pushed the other button hoping it would bring me where I thought I needed to be.

But it brought me up instead. When the door open and I stepped outside of the elevator, I was standing in a sort of modern atrium filled with wide open spaces and greenery everywhere you looked. The floor, the tables, and chairs in this cafeteria-like space were strikingly white, but not in a clinical and cold way. They just felt pure and inviting. The greenery were all shades of bright and dark greens, spilling out of their planters and climbing onto nearby tables in some areas. The whole scene felt like such a harmonious blend of man and nature that made you want to stop and stay a while. It felt like a refresh for your soul.

I was caught off guard by the whole scene for a minute but still had a mission. With the class on my mind, and the knowledge that I was later by the second, I walked with sure but soft steps through the main gathering area in the food court so as not to disrupt the peacefulness of this ethereal place.

My eyes were trained ahead to the end of the food court until I made it about halfway through the tables and chairs. My eyes looked sideways to a familiar person. He was about my same height, not much taller, and as I caught a glimpse of his dark, curly hair covering his forehead, the glasses and mask he wore as a sort of disguise I knew I knew him. He didn’t look at me though, and just as I was placing who he was and deciding that maybe I should leave him alone, my attention turned forward again. And there you were. You weren’t off to the side of me like he was – you were more in front of me. Not blocking my path, but in a way that gently insisted on me paying attention.

And in the moment I looked up, our eyes met and locked on each other. It wasn’t demanding – it was knowing. You had a mask on your face as well, no make-up on, and your hoodie was pulled over your head. It made sense you were here with him, and I knew the rest of the group must not be far behind. There was a moment that flashed in both of our eyes – we knew each other. We hadn’t met many times before, but we looked at each other at the very least as if we were good friends and not just acquaintances. There was slight pull for me to reach out for you or to start conversation. For something to happen. But recognizing you all probably just wanted a nice, quiet lunch away from the constant demand and attention your job usually brought, I resigned myself to giving you a small smile and letting you continue uninterrupted. I wanted to stay, but I also wanted to give you space you deserved.

I kept moving through the crowds to the edge of the arranged tables, but I noticed my steps starting to slow and falter. Suddenly, my goal of getting to that class, to leaving this place at all, had reduced to nothing. Something had tugged on me and anchored me to this place. I stopped moving altogether wondering how weird this must look to anyone else in the area. A girl on a mission, moving swiftly through such a peaceful space suddenly stopping and standing still as if forgetting her purpose. I sighed and looked around for a table to sit at.

In that moment, I decided to stay against my better judgement to keep moving and get to that class. I ignored the stress of being late or possibly getting fired for this, and it slowly drained out of my body until I felt I could fully appreciate the space I was in. I decided I should get some food, and as I was looking for where to order, my eyes landed on a nearby table.

It had one of those numbers on it that signals to a server which table gets what food. I was drawn to it as it was empty of people, but the number standing tall on the surface left the impression that it should have been occupied. I walked towards it, keeping an eye out for its possible inhabitants, curious to see what the deal with it was. When I got closer, I saw there were two brand new plates of food sitting on it with their own silverware and napkins laid out beside them waiting to be used. I was slightly confused, and as I looked around waiting to see if anyone would come up to claim the meals, something told me to sit down and start eating. I was hesitant at first, picturing an angry couple coming back to a random stranger eating the food they paid for. But I did it anyway, and before I could even pick up the silverware for a first bite, you were there, quickly and effortlessly sliding into the chair opposite of me like it was the most natural thing in the world.

It took me a moment to process what was happening, but you just flashed me that smile that shows off those dimples I love so much because they signal when you’re genuinely happy. And that high notes of your laugh as we spoke filled my heart with a warmness that left me wondering how this was all even happening – how I deserved this moment with you.

Half of me was stuck in this mode of being still pleasantly confused by how all of the missteps of the day led me here to this unexpected, yet more than welcome, meal with you. Half of me felt nothing other than how right this all seemed; how comfortable not only I was in this situation, but how comfortable you seemed to be as well. And as our eyes met repeatedly over a meal I barely remember eating and conversation I can’t remember the topic of, we were so much more than just two people who’ve barely met. Being here with you, both of us choosing to stay – this was home. And we could tell the other felt it too.

And then I woke up. I didn’t remember you were in my dream at first, but very soon into the morning the thoughts and feelings of you came flooding back and I knew it had to mean something. How easy it all felt in the end, just sitting their eating and laughing with you, it wasn’t for nothing. Later in the day, I suddenly remembered what I had been wearing in this dream, because I’ve worn it before in another dream I had of you: black tights, a white tank top, and a light blue almost shimmery button-down shirt. Isn’t that a weird coincidence? I thought to myself. But as soon as the thought formed in my mind, I knew that wasn’t the case. This wasn’t just a coincidence, and we both know it.

I’ve been holding onto this connection too tightly for so long, hoping for it to finally become reality and thinking that my attempted control over it would help that happen. But recently I hit a crossroads – I felt like I was being told that I needed to let go. Not completely, but a good bit. I felt like I was being told that my grip was suffocating it. It needed the time and room to grown on its own now. So, I did my best to let go – to let you go a little bit. It felt sad, and I had to tell myself that giving it space didn’t mean the connection was lessening. It didn’t mean that I was giving up or that it’s not going to happen. It took a while to feel that connection spark up again like this dream, and I started to worry that I waited too long to listen, that I had already killed the connection I started to cherish. But slowly, you started coming back to me just as I was deciding I might have to learn what it meant to live without you.

Here you are again. In my mind, in my heart, and in my dreams like you’ve always belonged there. Because you do.

I don’t speak like this to the people in my daily life, because I’m fully aware of how this could sound to most people. But there’s something inside of me that says you would understand – that you’ve felt it too. That’s why it felt important to write about this today. I don’t know how it will get to you, but the ‘how’ isn’t really my concern anyway, I’m starting to learn.

When it does reach you, do me a favor: do something with it. I don’t know what that something is, that’s more for your discernment, I think. But if you feel what I feel, if this resonates with you and you can’t stop thinking about it even if maybe you’re not sure why, do something. Please.

I can wait for the timing to be right even if my patience begs to differ, because I know you’re worth waiting for. But I need to know wherever you are, no matter how much attention your life demands of you, that you’re feeling this too in some capacity. That I’m not alone in this and that I’m not the only one reaching out in whatever way I can manage. I want to know that you want this too.

I always felt like part of my destiny in this life was to put out much more love than I would ever receive, but it doesn’t feel that way with you. Together, I feel like the love we pour into each other is enough to send ripples out that help change the world. Maybe not all at once, but I think our connection is enough to heal things that have been broken for far too long, each other included.

Do you feel me too?