I write this as a kind of part two to my last post, so if you haven’t read Disappointment At Its Finest, I encourage you to go back and take a look at it before continuing with this one. This story will still make some sense even if you don’t, but I feel there’s more fullness you’ll find here after knowing that one.

The weekend I mentioned last time, the event I was being called to go to, left me emotionally at capacity. Like I explained before, it brought me the greatest sense of freedom, wholeness, and disappointment I have ever known. I knew it would take a while to sift through everything I had been through, felt, and experienced, and I expected to be drained and in desperate need of a recharge after going back to my normal life. What I didn’t expect was that the weekend wasn’t quite done teaching me yet, and I can honestly say that the rest of what I still had to learn and go through came as a surprise.

The rest of that weekend was spent around loved ones coming together to celebrate, and though I was still excited for this visit no matter how brief it was, I went into it with the voice in the back of my head telling me that it wouldn’t be as good in the same way, something I feel slight shame to admit now. I went into it with the expectation that this would be the low of the weekend, the night before holding the title as the ultimate high. I tried not to expect much from it, except maybe the opportunity to wind down a bit. But as soon as I arrived, I was hit with the reality that every preconceived notion I had for the day was wrong.

I was immediately received with encouraging words that expressed pride in me for going and doing what I had done. I was thanked numerous times for coming at all after all I had to go through to get here, even if it was only for a day, something I was unprepared physically and emotionally to deal with. I’m sure my expression and mannerisms showed some confusion and shock as my mind flew through what I expected to happen, not aligning with reality, and what the appropriate response was to all the praise I didn’t feel I was justified in receiving. I was prepared to arrive and feel somewhat on the outside — the outcast of the group who showed up a day later than everyone else because they wanted to go and do something alone. Instead, my presence fit so seamlessly into the group it felt like I had been there the whole time, not like it had been so many months since the last time we all saw each other.

I was filled with warmth and ease at the encouragement, slipping into the feel of the celebration and making sure I made it around to talk to everyone. This celebration wasn’t about me, and yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that most people’s attention was being drawn back to me again and again. People were genuinely excited to hear about the things going on in my life and commenting on how I looked, the success it seemed I was having, and asking me what was next. I didn’t have all of the answers they were looking for, though I just focused on being as honest as possible. It was a strange sort of attention that I’m not fully accustomed to, but I suppose I should get used to if I decide to listen to the sources popping up around me telling me that I’m meant to come into the sort of fame where people recognize me everywhere I go (we’ll see how that plays out). It was a surreal experience laced with nostalgia in this place I hadn’t been to in years, surrounded by faces who are so much a part of my journey, I can’t help but think about them all the time these days.

When I had been to these types of gatherings like this in the past, I made myself small on purpose. Those times were tainted by secrets kept close about the conditions of our environment; secrets that were forced upon me and tainted every one of these events with an undercurrent of deceptiveness and a sense that this was, unfortunately, how it would always be. I never looked forward much to these gatherings in the past because I would walk through them quietly with an air of illegitimacy as I pretended nothing was wrong, curiously protecting those who were causing me the most damage. I realized as I grow older, my mind still tries to apply that same logic from the past into the present time. I wasn’t looking forward to this meet-up much because my brain was already telling me what to expect — past pain and being uncomfortable in my own skin.

But this weekend couldn’t have been more different from that. When I occupied space, my energy flowed from me and added to the existing warmth in a way that had people stopping to hold space for me. I could feel it — I was important this time. There was no making myself small because I physically couldn’t if I tried. Even if I had somehow managed to, others there wouldn’t let that happen. This celebration wasn’t about me, but from the moment I showed up I was the center of attention and for the first time in my life, it didn’t make me uncomfortable. There a deep sense of knowing inside of myself that was where I was meant to be, and where I would have ended up without trying. I feel this shift happening at work as well lately. People are paying more attention to me than usual; always a watchful eye waiting to see how I move, and there the moment I finish something to acknowledge my accomplishment.

Though that recognition that bloomed inside of myself that was telling me “Here you are, in the spotlight — just like you’re meant to be,” and the realization that I wasn’t shying away from the attention this time were mini lessons in themselves, that wasn’t the main takeaway I had from this day…

Every word of encouragement and expression of pride that people gave me for going and doing what I had done alone, happy, and free was healing something deep inside of me that I had forgotten was there most of the time: the need for approval from my loved ones to live freely, openly, and a bit selfishly sometimes in the pursuit of my happiness.

I’ve said it before, I think, that I felt lost during my personal growth because I could see the person I wanted to become and had a foggy idea of what my life could look like, but nothing was clear or focused. It wasn’t until I passed by an elderly person sitting in a wheelchair at the front of their house on my way home one day that I wondered what kinds of things they had accomplished with their life, and what things they regret not having done. All it took was that briefest of moments to come to the truth I had been looking for — my biggest fear is getting to the end of my life and regretting all the things I didn’t do while I could in my youth. I felt it deep in my core, though not all the pieces had fallen into place yet, that this is the truth I was meant to carry with me to jumpstart my growth and transformation into who I am today.

And while my own determination, intuition, and physical/emotional strength are major factors in the progress I’ve made, there was something I was missing and couldn’t accomplish alone. This was my fear that I would disappoint my family in times when I chose to put myself first in order to grow into the person I was meant to become. I felt the need for their approval on even small decisions, not directly asking them if they thought it was okay most of the time, but by receiving context clues from their reactions to gauge where their headspace might be on certain subjects. I had always done this and was still doing it at times without realizing it. I craved that approval because I needed to know they still love me just as much as they did before I chose myself. I guess this could be a fear of abandonment in some sense, or maybe even some other psychological trauma response I don’t have the name for right now. But I’ve always had it, and rarely let myself do anything I convinced myself would be going against my role as “part of the family.” But that’s exactly what I’m being called to do in this next chapter of my life — I feel big changes coming in for me; ones that I know will require turning my attention away from them and instead focusing on myself. It feels so unnatural for me to turn away from them that I guess it became a habit that I couldn’t unlearn by myself.

And that’s what this day was — the healing of that toxic trait I always left space for inside my heart. I lived in fear of disappointing my family and having them think me selfish for the choices I made. This weekend, they showed me, without a second thought, that they didn’t see things this way at all. With every word they gave me, I felt healing seep into my cells like an antivenom being administered to the poison I created. Their words showed me that it wasn’t selfish of me to live for myself. They didn’t know it at the time, and I never expected this to happen, but they were undoing this tangle of negative emotions I harnessed inside of myself that perhaps was the last real obstacle holding me back from finishing my growth for the season. I needed to go to that event, because I needed to hear these things from them so that the next time I feel the calling for something specific, and I think it will be much bigger than just a weekend alone, my heart won’t be so focused on the thought that I’m disappointing people I love. Instead, when that time comes, I know I’ll be fully present and even stronger knowing I have their full support and love backing me up to keep going and reach farther than any of us have.

And I needed them in order to feel whole and complete, not only for the future strength it would give me but because it reminded me that none of us can do this alone. I have done so much growth alone within the past year that I think I subconsciously started to rely only on my own strength, understanding, and persistence to become who I need to be. When you’ve been the provider for so long and have had to do so much alone, you slowly convince yourself you don’t need anyone else to help or that there’s nothing they can teach you that you can’t teach yourself. It’s a nasty habit, really. You isolate yourself emotionally without even realizing this in turn, brings your progress to a halt, which you can’t understand or overcome because you’re relying on the wrong source to push you over that wall.

In my last post, I expressed how I thought this weekend would be about one thing in particular — a specific person. That’s part of what drove me to go against my doubts and fears and pursue what I wanted deep down. When it turned out to have nothing to do with that person, I let disappointment and depression cloud my mind for a few hours. How exhausted I was came as a blessing in disguise because I physically didn’t have the energy to stay in those negative mindsets for long.

And when the fog cleared and I gave myself time to rest and revisited everything I experienced when I had the time to emotionally process it all, everything became clear.

Though it felt like betrayal, my intuition telling me one thing about that weekend only for it not to happen, I can now see why I needed that sense of knowing. If I didn’t have it, I wouldn’t have gone. And if I didn’t go, I wouldn’t have found the real truth behind that whole weekend.

I can do these things alone — that much I proved to myself. And I can feel things I’ve yet to experience.

I can be happy and full, all by myself.

But I also don’t need to be. I can find happiness and strength in time spent with others, too. People who see me and support me in ways I didn’t know I needed them to.

I can do these things alone, reach for my callings, and let my inner knowing guide me, because they support me. I know they’ll always back me up, no matter what I decide to do or try. And I also know that when I fail, they’ll be there in those times, too. That gives me the most power I think, because how could I not try knowing they’ll be there to pick me up? How could I not live my life knowing I always have their love to give me strength and remind me who I am?

All of this was a much-needed reminder to myself that even though I’ve come far in my growth, there’s still much I have to learn. And now, I won’t necessarily be only looking inward for these lessons, because I now understand how much others still have to teach me.

Don’t limit yourself to relying only on the lessons your mind comes to — other people are one of the most powerful tools we have when it comes to self-discovery.

Don’t let yourself forget how much we need each other.