This post contains mature content – read at your own discretion.

I’m not the type to give up control so easily in most aspects of my life. There was a period of time when I was a kid where I couldn’t do anything for myself, so when I grew older, I became hyper-independent to compensate for it, I guess. Truthfully, it makes me feel good to take care of other people and to be relied on. It makes me feel like I’m doing something right. But sometimes, it can become all-consuming. I’ve become the person no one really worries about because I always have my shit together and am ready/willing to help others when they need it, too. I’m always a part of the solution to any problem that pops up, even if I had nothing to do with it in the first place. I plan for the future. I’m meticulous sometimes, but impulsive others. And yet somehow, I always manage to take care of everything and everyone who crosses my path.

I’m the type of person you’d trust confidential information to; the kind you’d feel good about giving your house key to check on your animals while you’re away. My priority is always others above myself. Even now, I am financially responsible for multiple people who are all my age. I am the main caretaker in this group, and coordinate all shopping trips, apartment portals, and end up cooking dinner most of the time. Sure, sometimes I wish the tasks were more evenly distributed as we are all functioning adults, but overall, I don’t mind too much.

Something feels good knowing that I can care so deeply and motivate myself enough to take care of people and things so regularly. But sometimes, I want…a different arrangement.

I dream of the kind of love I want; it never leaves my mind. Sometimes it’s soft and gentle, and other times it’s rough and desperate. And while, yes, I’m more used to being in control of everything, sometimes I want to be taken care of.

I imagine what it will look like one day when you, my love, come through the front door from a hard day at work. Will you need space and quiet time for yourself? Or would you be desperate for my touch and whispered words of encouragement in your ear as I hold you tightly? Would you come in quietly so you could sneak up behind me and wrap your arms around my waist as I feel your hot breath on my neck, relishing in the warmth and comfort I provide?

Or would you come in with a dark look in your eye, dangerously close to losing control?

Would you allow the tension that’s been building up in your core all day to finally snap the moment you see me, rushing over to press your body against mine? Or would you remain controlled, and calculate the moves you want to take all night until they lead you to your desired result?

Would you let me take control, or would you need me to be pliant in your strong hands? Would you allow yourself to surrender completely to my touch, or would you rather me melting under your kisses and the way your fingertips dance along my body?

Despite my daily routine of being the one responsible for everything, I truly feel a need to be submissive in those intimate nights with you. It’s something primal, I think, originating deep down in a place inside of me that is currently sealed shut from my lack of physical intimacy lately. But I feel it; I know it’s still there.

My love, it will take some time for you to see that side of me, I fear. The amount of trust it will take for me to relinquish all my control to you, to completely lose myself in the pleasure of you is not something I have much experience with. You’ll have to be patient, and gentle with me from the start.

But I promise, I’m worth waiting for. I’m the type of lover to give just as much as I take. Your pleasure will be mine too; every single move, breath, and touch I make will be out of nothing other than pure love and adoration for you. When I love, I give myself fully – nothing less. And I’ll make sure you feel every ounce of my love, in every way you deserve.

Have you gone all day without eating, so buried in your work you didn’t realize you neglected yourself so much? I’ll be nearly done cooking your favorite meal by the time you’re home, setting the table for the two of us to have a romantic, quiet dinner together.

Didn’t get much sleep last night? I’ll bring your favorite coffee by your workplace by noon, and when we lay together that night, I’ll wrap you up in my arms and run my fingers through your hair until you fall asleep on my chest.

Not feeling great about yourself lately? I’ll leave love notes around the house for you to find to remind you of the amazing person you are, some sweet and some not so innocent until your ears and neck start to turn that shade of red I love so much.

Feeling frustrated recently over some problem you just haven’t been able to work out? Let me help you. Let me distract you. Let me invade your mind and fill all the cracks and crevices in your brain until you don’t even remember what you were so mad about and the only thing you know is my name spilling from your lips.

Had a long day at work? Let me run a bath for you, and massage that knots from your back until your needy groans beg for my touch elsewhere that aches and your breath becomes shallow and quick as your half-lidded eyes darken with a lust you can’t verbalize.

Let me love you in every way you need.

And in turn, I promise to do the same. I need to do the same. Because while I desire the time to take control over you and have you twitching and crumbling beneath my fingers, I crave the experience of being taken over.

I need you to make me trust you enough to give myself over completely. I need to feel secure, safe, and cared for so that I can let you make me feel things that will have me coming undone on your sheets and singing your name so loudly it becomes the only thing I know. I want you to undress me with soft kisses and gentle touches that drip with desire and promise. I want you to allow me to run my hands along every one of your muscles as much as I need to, only to feel them flex as your arms wrap around me and hold me in place as you pin my body against the bed.

I need you to need me, to desire me, and to control me.

I need you to be vocal about what I do to you; I need to feel your passion in the way you can’t take your eyes off of me. I need to feel the restraint inside of you crumbling when we’re in public, warning me that there’s only so much you can take and that we should go home soon. I want you to make me believe that I am someone worth loving; someone worth lusting over.

This won’t be easy, I imagine, to convince me. Or maybe it will be for you. Maybe that’s what makes you special, is that you’ll know how to make me feel the ways I’ve always wanted to feel. Maybe you’ll just understand what I need and want. How I want to be loved, touched, and cared for may all come naturally to you. I feel like I’m a difficult person to get to truly know, because there is so much of me I carefully hide under less important facts of myself that make people feel like they know my mind and how it works, but in reality, they only know what I want them to. But maybe you really will know – maybe you’ll effortlessly climb these walls I’ve spent building my whole life.

Maybe with just one look into your eyes, one touch of your hand on mine, and these walls will shudder and come crashing down. Because it’s you; because it’s always been you I’ve been waiting for. Someone to love me, to care for me, to take control of me.

And maybe together, we’ll realize that I’m exactly what you need too. Maybe my touch will encourage you to be vulnerable, and softer than you always have to be. Maybe, I can take care of you too, someone who has also always been the leader of the pack and responsible for much more than you were ever meant to carry.

We’ll help each other – love each other, care for each other, and take control over the other when tensions and feelings are high.

A kind of love like that is how I need you, and I believe we’re worth waiting for.