This is my second Valentine’s Day I’ve spent alone since my last breakup. It used to be a hard day before my first relationship because I wanted so desperately to feel that kind of love that’s worth celebrating. During the relationship, this day started to feel even lonelier somehow. It wasn’t right; it was toxic. And I unfortunately didn’t see that in time to stop myself from experiencing it. Well, I did see it in time, but I ignored the signs believing change would come and I’d be treated the way I always wanted.

But the three Valentine’s that passed when I was with him were lonely even with him there. He didn’t care about me like I was hoping he would; like I always dreamed someone would care for me. I planned all of our dates, and he put minimal effort into contributing towards them.

I surprised him at work with coffee and food on bad days, or days when he had to unexpectedly work late. He wouldn’t even kiss me goodnight when he came home.

He woke me up in the middle of the night to drive him back to work because he forgot something, the same guy who would also get upset and impatient when I wanted to just sit and enjoy time with him.

I was quiet when walking around him while he was sleeping, knowing how tired he must be from working so hard.

He slammed doors and cabinets when coming home in the middle of the night.

He complained about me not spending time with him due to my schooling, and my severely sleep-deprived schedule causing me to fall asleep nearly every time I sat still for a few minutes. He never came to bed to sleep next to me and would rather play video games all night until he passed out on the couch.

I told him all the time how much I appreciated him, how handsome he was, and how much I loved him. How great of a person he was (though he wasn’t).

I gave him all of my extra comfort, support, words of encouragement that I desperately needed for myself since . But I gave them to him because I loved him.

But he didn’t love me. He said he did – he filled my head with all kinds of words that he knew I wanted to hear; words he knew I needed to hear to get me to stay a little bit longer. To look past all the tears and insecurities he caused and stay with him so that I could continue to shower him in praise he didn’t deserve and support him financially so he could waste his money away on the games he loved more than me.

Over time, I realized he never loved me. He liked me, sure, but he didn’t love me.

He said he did, but you don’t treat someone you love the way he treated me.

His words were empty and shallow; his touches weren’t comforting, and I started to feel anxious every time he was around. I didn’t want him around my family. I didn’t want him around our cat.

I didn’t want him around.

Everything in me was furious with him, depressed, and started to resent every bone in his body.

But I loved him. Deciding to leave him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and I hate how torn up I was about it despite how he treated me. I hate how much I loved him, and it hurt. It was one of the most painful things I’ve done in my life not because of him, but because I love so fully and completely with everything inside of me. It felt like my body and mind was ripping apart, cell by cell. Until there was nothing left and I was numb.

Unfortunately, that has been my only experience in love. It wasn’t what I pictured, or dreamed about, and I was scared to fall in love again for fear of allowing myself to fall into similar situation again. I was scared to fall in love.

But I did.

And it was him I was thinking about this Valentine’s Day as the day came and passed. I didn’t feel sad or lonely like I expected to feel, because every time I thought about him, I felt warmth instead. I would think about him, and the way he might treat me, and show me his love and appreciation. I would imagine how we’d surprise each other, coming home on long days after work or those quiet moments where we’d just sit and enjoy being in the other’s company.

My mind would create all kinds of fantasies of a life together, the simple day-to-day scenarios, and the extravagant vacations we’d go on together. I could imagine our families blending together easily and talking about how perfect we were for each other behind our backs. I could imagine sleeping next to him every night and almost feel the way he’d hold me protectively and pull me closer in his sleep.

I could see the way he’d look me in the eyes as if there was nothing else that would ever matter to him as much as me. I could see the way his smile would grow and spread to his eyes in my mind. I just knew that we were the perfect match in the way we’d inspire the other and grow together.

He’d be the one to get me to not keep all my burdens to myself; he’d insist on taking them onto his shoulders if it meant to lighten my load even a little bit. He’d hold me and comfort me while I cried tears that I tried to hide from everyone else out of habit from crying alone for so long.

And I’d be there to help him sift through the negative thoughts circling around his head. I’d hold his hands in mine, then wrap my arms around him and stroke his back until he felt like he could breathe again. I’d lay down with him and pull him as close to me as possible. I’d protect him as he fell asleep in my arms, and when we woke in the morning, I’d make sure the first thing he hears is how much I adore and love him.

This was something I tried not to let happen, because it didn’t make sense. There are factors about it that I still can’t explain, but I guess that’s love, right?

I don’t even know this guy, not really. Not personally. And he doesn’t know me in any capacity. We may never meet.

But I love him – I truly do.

Something tells me if we ever met, and he fell in love with me, we’d have that kind of love everyone longs for.

The kind I’ve longed for my whole life.

And maybe it’s wishful thinking. Maybe it’s delusional, but above anything else, it gives me hope for a love that I had stopped thinking was ever meant for me.

From what I know about him, he’s a good person. Not perfect – but good. He’s selfless and puts others above himself. He’s a servant in any way he can be to those around him. He’s a leader who cares for his team in ways that are deeper than words describe. He pushes himself to be better every day, even though he’s a bit hard on himself sometimes. I strive to be more like him in that way. I admire him and I want to be a better person every day because of him. I want to help more people, even in ways that seem small. I want to do the small actions that let people know I was thinking about them and brighten their day. I want to support people in every way possible and be someone people can depend on. I want to be diplomatic and be a part of the solution when a problem arises.

The way he is, encourages me to be better every day.

He’s the kind of person that makes you so happy, that all the pain in the past feels miles away.

I hope one day I can tell him at least how much he’s impacted the kind of person I’ve tried to be in life – he deserved to hear that much.

But all of that to say, I thought this Valentine’s Day would be like many others I spent – dejected, lonely, and ready to give up on finding a love I deserve. I fully anticipated spending the whole night in a sad state of self-pity, wondering what all the happier couples were out doing. But that didn’t happen.

Instead, I spent the night reflecting on this new hope I feel for the future of my love life, and it felt good.

I felt light and happy thinking about what may await for me, and I know it won’t always be this easy waiting for that kind of love to finally find its way to me.

But for the first time, I sat and longed for that love that will be mine someday with a hopeful sense of eagerness. I hold onto that feeling with everything in my ability now and focus on the feeling that love brings me. Even if it’s not currently mine; even if it’s not ever meant for me. I will hold onto the brightness it brings, and maybe someday that light will guide me to something just as special as what I once though could never be mine.

In the meantime, while I wait for the one who is meant to love me like that, I’ll keep learning how to love myself.