I’ve been feeling stuck lately. Stuck in my growth, my health, my career, my personality, my relationships, my life – just stuck. And once you’re stuck, there’s almost no amount of motivation in the world that can push you out of that funk. And no matter how hard I might try to blame others, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all my fault.

You’ve most likely noticed that posts from me here are few and far between. When I first started this blog, I knew I couldn’t keep myself to a rigid schedule of posting every week, or every other week. My brain just doesn’t function like that. I have such limited free time to myself, and while writing, especially if it’s about my feelings, does help me out in a lot of ways, it’s time-consuming and mentally draining. Sometimes, I just want to enjoy my weekend with very minimal interaction or chores to complete and writing, while enlightening and fun at times, can be a chore.

I told myself the minute it starts feeling like something I have to do rather than something I wanted to do, then it was time for a break. That hasn’t been what my absence the last few weeks here have been, though I probably should have just fully committed to a rest. I have been trying to write a separate post about what I believe are universal languages among people, something that I am excited to share at some point. But I was noticing that the more I tried to sit down and write it, the less I could focus on the messages I was trying to convey. I was struggling to organize my thoughts and structure them in a way that they blended together efficiently. The longer it was taking to create a decent paragraph, the less I started to feel like completing the post altogether. And sure, I could use those English comprehension skills taught to us in high school, and pull out a notebook and writes down a basic introduction, list my 3 main reasons followed by their supporting factors, and a kickass conclusion to help organize my thoughts better and make them more cohesive, but I barely have enough time to write a post out, let alone plan one out beforehand. It might make my writing better but it’d always take twice as long to publish something new.

I could stick to a lighter routine of just one post a month, but what if I have more than that to say? Save it for the next time maybe, and eventually build up a stock-pile of posts ready to be published every couple of weeks. I crave that kind of consistency in my hobbies, but I fear it would make everything feel disingenuous. The reason I write what I write when I do is because I let my emotions guide my fingers along my keypad. Each post I type out is something that I had been reflecting on the entire week prior to actually writing it. I do this because I feel that gives a better sense of who I am to any readers, and it makes all of the emotions expressed topical which I feel allows me to write better. I never wanted to post something that felt like I was forcing myself to write it – the moment your heart’s not in it it’s obvious. It is always my goal to strive to be only honest, open, and transparent on here. That’s why I started this anonymously because I knew the minute I gave away my identity, that’d be the moment I would always hold my tongue from what I actually wanted to say. After a lifetime of being forced to hold myself back, I needed a place I could finally let go.

This is why this blog is so important to me. It allows me to say the things I’ve always wanted and needed to say, with no fear of backlash or consequence from the people I love. I will always keep it 100% genuine, which is why I can’t bring myself to write posts in advance for future release. I need to feel and process the raw emotions from events that are currently happening to me, not write them out prior, hold onto them for a while and release them at a time when I no longer feel them as strongly. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that; if there are others who find structure and contentment doing things that way, that’s great! It’s just not for me, and I know it.

So instead, I’ve been sitting here these last few weeks, angry for myself at being stuck on that post I can’t seem to write. Then, the more I started to dwell on that, the more I started to reflect on how I was feeling stuck in other parts of my life, too.

My job is good – I have a position in the field I studied in college for. It’s a hybrid position (not the remote work kind) that allows me to gain basic sales skills as well. This is good, I know. But it’s not what I wanted to do. I wanted to be fully invested in the field I studied focusing only on growing my skills in that department. I took on a more hybrid role because of two reasons: the money it offered and the need I saw at my store. The sales aspect of the job was not something I was fully comfortable with at first and it scared me. But I am a practical person, and I knew sales skills could be useful in a variety of circumstances. I am a very prideful person as well, so I always do my job to the best of my ability regularly going above and beyond my paygrade or what others have asked of me oftentimes for very little in return. It is my hope one day that someone will finally recognize the time and effort I put into the work I do, but so far, I’ll just have to stay happy with the company pizza parties.

But that’s the thing – I don’t feel happy with it. I am good at what I do, and my managers have already expressed to me their five-year plan of my involvement in the company, one that ends with me in a great position to make a lot of money. But the thing is, I told them from the start that this wasn’t my ending career. I made it clear that I did not plan on staying here forever because I wanted to pursue a career in my degree. For a while, they put me in a position solely in my degree, which now I think sometimes they did only to keep me there a bit longer while they move pieces in their puzzle around. Now, half of my job has been refocused from my degree to something I swore I never wanted to do. And in the future, they’ve loosely told me, it’s the goal to take away what I studied for entirely. I need money – the kind of money they’re talking about sounds good and could help me a lot. But I don’t feel right about it. I worked too damn hard to not end up in a place doing what I love. They give me reassurances as if this is my huge break and all I need to do is hold out a little bit longer, but it doesn’t feel like a break to me. I feel stuck. I’ve made myself too important here, wanting so desperately to be recognized as above and beyond my peers that I’ve made myself too important. I have crazy empathy as well, and now all I can think about if I leave is what a shit place this store would be in for a while without me. Not forever, because they operated just fine without me at one point before I got here. But for a while, the hole left in my absence would threaten to befall them daily while they try to manage the work I did alone. I feel like I can’t leave, because there are people there I genuinely care about, and would be sad not to see on a daily basis anymore. I feel like I can’t leave, because I know they like me and would love to keep me, and there’s nothing more terrifying than leaving the security of a stable income for something new and unknown. I feel stuck.

I feel stagnant in my personal growth as well. I started going to the gym not too long ago, and while I’m noticing changes, I feel as though I’ve hit sort of a wall. I would like to say I work out five times a week; an hour a day before work but that’s not true. That’s my goal ultimately, but right now that’s not my reality. Because I am weak and give into my body too much, there is always one day where I hit my alarm, and rather than spring up from bed ready to sweat and feel my muscles burn, I trade it for the sweet escape of one more hour of sleep. I already stopped working out on the weekends to give my body a break and get better rest and I truly thought deciding that would stave off any temptation to not work out during the week as well. But the temptation is still there, and because I have the willpower and self-discipline of a five-year-old, I turn over in my nice, warm bed and let myself drift off again. I feel my cat climb onto my chest and curl up, happy that I haven’t gotten up yet. I tell myself, “it’s fine, we’ll do better next week,” only for the same thing to happen again seven days later. I’m sure there are some out there who would congratulate me for doing that much even since there are some who don’t make any effort to work out at all. But it’s not really the amount I go that’s throwing me off and making me feel stuck – it’s that I can feel that I haven’t made any progress in my will power in the slightest. That’s always been a point of contention between myself and I. I just give into pleasure or temptation way too easily. I each too much food because I love it and the way it tastes. I don’t start chores as early as I should, leaving me finally finished and spent late into the evening with no time to rest. I trade focusing on relaxing hobbies like reading or painting for going on my phone for hours wondering why I can’t just put it down and start something more meaningful. I say goodnight at a reasonable time for waking up so early, but then I stay up late imagining impossible things or watching videos on YouTube, already regretting how tired I’ll be the next morning. I wonder why I can control impulsivity in only some select situations, but not in most.

I take time to sit back and asses my mental well-being and try to gage how I’ve been growing into a better person lately, but so far, I haven’t been able to come up with anything. I feel like I was going through a lot of transformation earlier this year, and maybe that had to do with my breakup or maybe just finally coming to a realization that my life is about me first, so it’s okay to focus on myself sometimes just like it’s okay for others to focus on themselves. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m finally coming to terms with a lot of my trauma from the past and starting to notice my current behaviors that are a direct result of it but not knowing how to overcome them. I feel stuck.

This is such a huge blow to me personally as I am someone who values myself as a person that loves to grow. I constantly want to better myself, and try to reflect the behaviors of others I think better society. But right now, I feel stuck because I just kind of want to be selfish for a while. I’m tired of being the bigger person or being the one to always take care of others while rarely being taken care of. I’m tired of being the one that no one else worries about because I always outwardly project that I have everything together. I’m tired of being passed up in love for people more conventionally attractive I am, or even worse, by my friends. I’m tired of being no one’s first choice, and I’m tired of feeling awkward about receiving the few and far between compliments when I actually do. I’m tired of being the responsible one who can’t take the day off, because someone else has already decided to for the 12^th time this month. I’m tired of being the one to provide the most financially, as my savings balance is so meager compared to what it could be had everyone been chipping in equally. I’m tired of being the one to stop getting myself ready in the morning, so I can go wake up a full-grown adult who can’t seem to get themselves out of bed when their alarm goes off. I’m tired of coming home after a long day, and immediately starting on dinner so we can eat at a decent time while others who have been home before I got there decide to sit on the couch and screw around on their phones.

I am tired of always being the one that everyone else can rely on, because the only person who can’t rely on me is me and that’s not fair. I don’t really like myself, despite the growth I’ve been through and the things I’ve done to improve myself. I still don’t like myself and I feel stuck in that.

I don’t know how to get out of it. The easiest answer is therapy, cause when has that not helped someone? But I can’t afford it right now. The only thing I can do is rely on myself to try to keep growing, but I feel stuck because maybe I just don’t want to anymore. My life feels like it’s in this endless repeat cycle of things that I don’t actually want or want to do. And I feel like I shouldn’t complain because I know I still have a lot more than some people. But I’m not happy, because I feel stuck in this loop. And the worst part is, I don’t really see a viable way out of it.

I’m hoping this is just a phase of life, and it will either push me to do the things I actually want or maybe I’ll find peace with where I’m at. But there is a small, nagging part of my soul that keeps telling me this isn’t meant for you. But the problem is, I don’t know what is meant for me. I feel like I don’t really fit anywhere, so I don’t move from where I’m at. Because here, as unhappy and stagnant as I am, it’s familiar and comfortable in a way. I know how things run, and I can make a pretty accurate guess of what to expect next. But I hate it. I hate thinking this is all my life has in store for me. I hate ignoring the feeling deep inside telling me I need to leave. To go somewhere else; somewhere new. To learn a new language and become part of a new culture. To see things I only ever dreamed of seeing. I hate holding myself back because of the responsibilities I’ve bestowed upon myself. I hate feeling like everything will explode without me there, because it won’t, and I know it won’t. And this is just another excuse I keep telling myself as to why I can’t go.

But what I hate the most, is that this is entirely my fault that I’ve been so stuck.

Hopefully this helps, and some gears have started turning in my head after writing this all out. It’s hard to tell when things like thought processes or outlooks start to change because these are quiet and gradual, but I hope this was the right step I needed. I’m tired of getting in my own way, and not liking myself or being proud of myself despite everything I’ve accomplished so far. But most of all, I’m tired of just feeling stuck, because it’s holding me back from the things I want and the life I deserve to have.