Do you believe in a destiny for yourself? Do you think that there are things, absolutes, that are just meant to happen for you in your life? Do you sometimes feel the pull of something, an idea, a feeling, something you can’t quite pinpoint or explain? I do.

I feel called by things I can’t see; things I don’t know. There are a couple of things in particular that I’ve always felt tugging at me, even since I was a kid.

The first is love; I know, not that original. I haven’t had much luck in what little love I’ve been able to find, so I turned away from it for a while and convinced myself that it’s not meant for everyone, and maybe it just wasn’t meant for me. Not in this life at least. Maybe in another universe, there’s a me who has already found the love of our life; maybe there’s one where I stayed with one of my exes and we made it out happy. Maybe there’s one where I stayed, and things are bad. And maybe, in this one, I was never meant to find my soulmate. Somewhere else, in another time, another reality. But not here. I was convinced of this for a while and tried my best to comes to terms with it as best as I could, because what if that’s the reality of this life for me? If it is, I don’t want to waste it feeling sorry for myself, wondering why no one loves me like that or why I couldn’t be sought out. If that’s the case, I want to spend my time here learning to love myself in all the ways I deserve, something I’ve never really been great at.

But I feel it inside of me – the pull of someone I’m connected to somehow. It feels like a string inside of me, reaching out far into the distance; so far, I can’t see the end of it. When I focus on it, I can almost see it. It’s a dark red color and looks like twine, but there’s something off about it. It’s faded, or opaque, or nearly invisible. It’s faint, but still there. Always there. I have no idea who or what might be on the other side of it, but I feel we are the same. It’s more than feeling; I know we’re the same. The same soul, the same mind; I know once/if we ever connect in life, we’ll feel familiar to each other even after meeting for the first time. And it will startle us and confuse us as we sense the sameness in each other. We may even stop ourselves from connecting too quickly because of how unnatural yet completely natural it’ll feel.

It might take us a while to embrace this feeling and open up to each other. But I get the feeling that once we do, we’ll realize that not a single other person in the world can understand us the way we can. It might take a while, or it might not, to realize that the other feels like home. And this may not be a romantic relationship at all; it could be a best friend I’m meant to have the rest of my life, so I’m trying not to let myself get ahead of things too much before knowing what this will all even amount to. A soulmate could come in so many forms.

But again, there’s something inside of me telling me that it’s meant to be love. A love I’ve always yearned for and daydreamed about. A kind of love that will leave me wondering how I ever made it my whole without them. A kind of love I’ll have a hard time accepting at first, because I just don’t see how I could deserve something like that.

I wonder if the person on the other end of that string feels the same – I wonder if they notice it as much as I do. Do they wonder about that nagging feeling inside of them, the unseen force pulling them in my direction and mine in theirs? Do they pay close attention to it, or does the thought sit on the back burner of their mind as they’re busy with other things that need more immediate attention? Does it persist in their day-to-day life like it does mine, or does the feeling just pop up every once in a while? Do they find comfort in trying to fill the hole with the time and attention of others, or have they been as unlucky in love as I’ve been? Do they wonder why they’ve made it so far in life with not the love they were hoping would come? I wonder if they wonder about me too.

And maybe I’m making this all up in my head; the mind is a powerful place especially for those who have had difficult lives. It can make you sick when nothing’s wrong; the power of positive thinking can heal you in ways sometimes that medicine can’t. Simply just thinking better things about yourself makes you stronger, mentally and physically. Maybe what I thought was myself accepting the idea that I’m meant to be alone, was just the first step in my brain concocting this irresistible delusion to keep me going. I have been working harder on myself lately, trying to be a better version of myself each day, and I’ve been telling myself that it’s all for me and no one else. But I unfortunately, and annoyingly, know myself better than that. I’ve been doing it, partially for me, yes, but mostly because I want to walk into a room one day and absolutely blow someone away with who I am as a person: how confident and sure of myself and true to my beliefs and principles I am. I want my authentic self to brand itself onto someone’s heart and make them need to have me in their life. And it’s annoying, to know that’s always the true motive hiding under the one I tell others, but whether it’s all a ruse by my mind to make me work on myself, or if it’s a real connection I’ve felt, I guess at least there’s a good outcome to either scenario.

Now the other idea I’ve felt; the other pull – the other absolute for my life that feels like is inevitable: I am meant for more in my life than this. Let me be clear, “this” isn’t bad. Is it great or easy? No, not always, but most things that are worth keeping won’t come easy and require a lot of effort to keep. The situation I’m in now is not bad; I have a lot more than other people do. I have a place to live, that I work hard to keep. I can pay my bills on time and afford groceries and even a night out every now and then. I can plan things for my year like concerts and vacations. I have a savings, though not impressive, but it’s still there. I can afford if something goes wrong on my car or having to miss work if I’m sick. I have a family who loves and supports me despite everything we’ve been through and done to each other. I have friends who make life better every time we’re around each other. I’m important at work and am recognized for my efforts, and I could list out more things, but the point is, the life I have now isn’t bad. But I feel the pull for more; I feel destined for more. I crave more.

I don’t know what it is exactly that I feel the pull for; maybe a new career, maybe to travel (who doesn’t want that), or maybe to move entirely away from here somewhere foreign and new. Whatever it is, it feels important, or like it will make me important somehow. I feel the draw of a greater purpose tugging at me, urging to keep moving and not settle here where I am. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of what leaving the security of what I know now means for my future. Will I ever be back to the level I am now, with my own rented place and food I can get myself? Will I leave this place and run out of money and resources to help me, causing me to fall flat and have to start all over?

Right now, I couldn’t even leave the country permanently if that’s part of the call; I have debt tying me here that will most likely take decades to pay off on my own. If I leave in search for whatever it is that’s pulling me, I’ll be leaving my family for long intervals of times until I find the place I’m meant to be which will then most likely mean I could see them even less. It feels selfish to do such a thing; to leave in search of a home or a calling somewhere so far away; to leave them all behind in search of something just for myself. Their love and approval are everything to me, and I fear if I leave like that with the intention of relocating myself in the world, I’ll lose both.

I’m scared of what this something more is for my life. I’m scared of the uncertainty it will bring and how long it will take me to feel stable again should I choose to follow it. But I’m also scared of the regret I’d feel if I didn’t try. I think my biggest fear is getting to the end of my life and wishing I had done more with myself or said yes to more things. When I’m on my death bed and can feel my lungs and heart giving out from the exertion of trying to keep me alive another day, I don’t want my last thoughts to be regretful that I didn’t live while I had the chance.

So maybe I’ll go one day; I’ll find what it is that’s been reaching out to me my whole life. Or maybe, I won’t find anything like that at all. Maybe there is no purpose calling me away to somewhere and something that scares me, but maybe I’ll make my own purpose once I’m there anyway. There is a chance I’ll let my fear get the better of me, and I won’t ever try but instead fill my life with things that make me happy here. And maybe, that’s okay in its own way too.

Either way, I’ve always have been and am still, curious about these things that have taken root in my heart and mind. I wonder every day about them, and why it feels like they call out to me so much. I wonder if they’ll ever stop, or if they’ll only grow stronger as the years pass by. I wonder what I’ll do about them someday – drop what I know of my life right now to follow them or nothing at all. I hope I am, I will myself to be, brave enough to go and find out for myself if they’re just feelings, or part of what’s meant to be for my life. I want to see for myself if things like destinies and absolute events for our lives do exist.