It’s days like today when I have the day off work while no one else does that I remember how much I like being alone. Not being single, because that’s different, but being alone. Sometimes I feel selfish for wanting to be alone, because there are people I love and who love me who want to spend time with me. And a part of me wants to spend time with them too, of course. It’s a sort of fight I always have with myself because while having time alone always sounds so appealing, I know I’ll still have a good time going out with my friends and family. I also know that a way most people show love to each other is through quality time, and I want that too, but I also don’t want it at the same time.

I’m always happy when people want to spend time with me, because I am also someone who very much wants everyone to like them and to know that I make people happy to be around, and I find it hard to accept when people don’t. I’m a people-pleaser by nature, caused by unresolved trauma but that’s another story (maybe). In social settings, I mimic and match the energy or personalities of others unintentionally, so they feel more connected to me and like me more. I’m not aware I’m doing it at the beginning of the conversation, but at some point, when I realize, I get very self-conscious about it and wonder if they noticed too.

I see myself as more of an introvert, but in situations where there is a predominantly high level of energy, I tend to reflect that high energy as well. If the energy is more somber or low overall, I will be too. I cuss sometimes, but if I’m around someone who cusses a bit more often, I will too so that I can match them. I often repeat back phrases that people say or match the way they nod their head. I find myself standing in the same position as the person I’m talking to. If you tell me you like a certain song, or style of music I’m not into, I will still agree with you that it’s great. I will not express my own opinions around you, even on small things, unless I am very comfortable around you. If you ask me to do something for you, my immediate answer will usually be ‘yes’ even if it’s something I really, really don’t want to do. Just know that if I ever disagree with you know something, you make me feel comfortable.

But for most situations, I am like a chameleon, changing my personality to best suit the environment. I guess that’s something we all do when the timing calls for it. But it’s exhausting, isn’t it?  I’ve gotten much better these days about being just me around the people in my day-to-day life, which is good, but I still feel the tendencies to change myself into something I think other people will like. The only thing I have never faked in any situation is my work ethic, because it’s good and most people like that. It’s the one thing about myself I am truly proud of and never try to hide. I am still trying to get better, and not in a rude way, not care about what other people think of me. I want to just be me – it’s way better when you find people who enjoy who you actually are anyway, and it’s less tiring than always trying to change yourself to fit the vibes. Less exhausting, but still not effortless.

I also tend to look after others in conversations, constantly evaluating if other people are comfortable or having fun. If I feel like I notice even the smallest vocal inflection or shift in their stance that reflects them being uncomfortable I take it upon myself to try to make them comfortable again either by directing attention away from them, changing the subject, or physically guarding them somehow. I’ve always had a bit of a protective side but have to go about it in more calculated ways due to my stature. And even though I thoroughly enjoy this way of helping others, it too gets tiring.

There are some days when I really just don’t want to be anything in particular and have to convince myself to just be me. Some days I just want to be there and have no expectations, given or received. On those days, I still try to be just me, but it feels so forced that I start to wonder if it’s even me other people are seeing. I wish I didn’t care how other people saw me – I envy people who are like this. But I learned from a very young age to always care about that, and now I don’t know how not to care. Again, it feels selfish to not care, and I know this is probably a skewed view of the concept of selfishness, but that’s how I’ve known it for years.

All of this to say, it’s exhausting being around other people, even those I love who I’m so afraid of disappointing. Which is why I find so much joy and peace in being alone. I know who I am (mostly) and the things I like or don’t like. When I’m alone, I can freely think whatever I want. Do whatever I want. I don’t feel like I need to rationalize my thoughts, feelings, or actions. I don’t have any expectations of myself; I’m not disappointing anyone. Most of the time when I’m by myself I’m listening to/singing along with music, and dancing to it freely in a way I wouldn’t dare to in front of others. Music is so special to me, not in a way that I’m musically inclined, but because I feel such deep emotions connected to music and when I’m alone, I can feel these emotions in full.

When I’m alone I can just be me, and that’s okay.

It’s not that I don’t like being around other people at all; I actually enjoy it a lot. I learn so much about other people and myself, and I love that it builds connections. It just takes a lot of energy. Ironically, I’m the opposite when I’m in a relationship. I can be a bit clingy; I want to be around my partner always and being physically touching in some way. It makes me feel more connected to them in a more personal way reserved for relationships that are so meaningful to me. I am actually a very touchy person, or rather I want to be, because I crave physical touch. But I don’t let myself be. I am too afraid of making other people uncomfortable or getting too much in their personal space. A small part of me thinks that I don’t really deserve it either, but I guess that’s also another story.

Another reason I really like being alone is because I have a vivid imagination and I can entertain myself plenty. I also like the time to reflect on my thoughts. As I can sit and analyze myself, and let my imagination run wild like it wants to, I find comfort and peace. The daydreams keep me company and I can learn even more about myself even in my darkest thoughts.

When I’m alone, I solidify myself in my values and truths so that I can work towards being the real me next time I’m around others. I think back on recent successes and failures I’ve had and challenge myself to form deeper meanings from them. When I’m alone, I grow.

I don’t get much alone time right now – I have roommates and my family comes often to visit or are texting and calling a lot (not a bad thing, obviously; I love my family so much). Really the only consistent source of alone time I get is when I go to my room for the night, which I won’t do as early as I’d like to because I don’t want to offend anyone I live with and have them thinking I don’t want to hang out. But when I do finally get this time, I stay up way too late enjoying it and then am exhausted the next day from lack of sleep.

I had an original thought of how this all would connect in the end and wrap up nicer that this, but I lost that thought a couple of paragraphs ago and it just hasn’t come back. Anyway, I just like being alone. I know a lot of people don’t, and a lot of people do. And while I enjoy both being with others and time to myself, I think I find more than average value and comfortability in aloneness. There is a quiet certainty and calmness about being alone that makes me feel whole again.